So How Have You Been?

It has been a while since I posted anything. Nothing is really all that new, except that I am being forced to fill out scholarships. I know that there are worse things to be forced into, but I really have my mind set against this. I feel that I have not done enough to be eligible for scholarships. There is just so much that I could have done that I didn't do, and now it is to late. Their argument is that even if I feel that I don't deserve them, that I can pay them back in the future. That is not the way it works though. I say this because I would be taking money away from someone much more deserving than me. Someone that could have had the chance to go to college and change their life, but I robbed them of their chance. With everyone of these scholarships that I dutifuly fill out, I am chipping off a piece of me. It's killing me! There is nothing that I can do though, seeing as I have more than half of the faculty against me. If you really want to know, I am torn. I am torn in between being me a sticking to what I believe in, and making them happy. They are my friends and three of them are my mentors. How can I let down a mentor without losing their unfounded faith in me? It seems as if my life would be so much easier if I could only learn how to keep my head done and say "Yes sir, no sir", and not draw attention to myself. But that is not the way life works is it? NO, because who could possibly want an easy LIFE. I don't apparently. I just keep opening my mouth to fight against them, and all I get from it are disappointed looks in return, and basically a dismissal. I am just so tired.

Enrollment

You know, I never thought that I would be so worn down just because I had to talk to parents ALL day. From twelve to seven. Dear God! I have been yelled at by so many different parents that I have completely lost track of the number. From parents complaining about the price to the time spent in line. Shoot me in the face. It got so bad yesterday that I actually had to leave before I did something that I would regret. It is frustrating to say the least. It doesn't help that I have teachers here that are distracting. Grrrrr...

Questions

Have you ever found yourself wondering why you can't seem to get out of that rut your in? I have... I think that every day. Wake up, brush teeth, put on cloths, run for bus, meander the halls until class, sit and work, walk to next class, sit and work, etc... It never ends. The part that scares me is not the routine of it all: no, it is the fact that I feel numb while I do it. It is almost as if I were looking at my body doing these things rather than actually doing them. This scares me to death. To think that I have let myself become this--this robot for lack of better words. Sends shivers up and down my spine.

Is it possible to stops this routine? Better yet, do I want to stop it? The numbness may scare me, but it also stops me from being hurt. How many times should I have cried last term but I didn't: I couldn't. A good friend of mine was killed in a car crash: did I cry? No. My mother was even more of Bit** this last term: did I cry? No. Not even when I confessed to a dear friend of mine that I was--still am--scared of myself. Scared of what I could do when I am angry. Not even then...I think the real question is do I want all of that. Do I want to be able to feel something other than the numbness?

What CAN you do about it?

The summer is a time for relaxation for students is it not? Yet, left and right I see teens with their heads buried in text books, trying desperately to grasp the subject at hand. What happened to care free summers? What happened to the joy of sleeping in until noon only to wake up and hang out with your friends at the lake? Have they been replaced with school work?

True, there are worse things students could have lost their summers to, but is it healthy? Is it healthy to stress such young people with mass amounts of work. Homework piled on top of a full time job can take it's toll on the younger population. I have seen it in the faces of many students. The lack of sleep they get because they had to stay up all night to finish the ten page research paper they were assigned.

The amazing thing about these students though is that they are willing to put forth such effort for their education. In the news you always hear about how the school system is "failing". There is never anything good being spoken about it. You never hear about the students who fought for a certain "type" of students to be allowed to play sports, or how a group of students got together to raise money for a fellow student to help find a cure for his disease. No, never do they report the advances our student body has made. The only thing you hear about is the school shootings and how the district needs money for such and such.

As much as I can talk about the students i can talk about the teachers. I believe that teachers are what hold the students together. Their are some truly wonderful teachers out there who make going to school worth while. They are what hold schools together, because without students you have no school. the district does not need to spend it's valuable money on new television sets. NO. Give the teachers a raise. Make new classes. Its obvious the students want more courses to choose from. Otherwise, why else would they be taking summer courses?

Honestly, it is hard to be a student. It's hard to know when you have reached a breaking point in the amount of stress your body can take. Why do we do this to ourselves? Because there is no other way for us to prove ourselves.